My yoga teacher training registration

“Don’t let me get me, I’m my own worst enemy” 

I think of myself as a quitter. I quit things. I fail. I start something and never finish it. I’m a loser. I’m a fake.

My creative yet anxious mind fills silences and empty spaces with ideas, plans and lists! You might notice it in my writing - always with the lists. Moments other people may be relaxing, my mind will be onto the next big thing. A project that I’m super enthusiastic about, finally I’ve found the one! Finally, the best idea I’ve had yet, the one I’m going to complete! And I’m super into it, I obsess, everything becomes directed towards the big plan. Until . . . I’m exhausted. I’ve used all my energy obsessively thinking, to the point where the fun idea becomes a task. Its overwhelming, too much. I spend a whole day in bed getting over it. And what’s that I can hear while laying in bed? Silence. Better fill it! And so the cycle continues. . .

2018 seems to have become the year of change for me. I’m focusing on healing my gut after finally getting a diagnosis for all the weird symptoms I’ve had over the years – Coeliac Disease. I’ve also decided to recondition my core after childbirth two years ago (Two years? Where did that go?). l’m dedicated to living closer to nature (see this blog post). Also, and this is the biggie, I’m turning 30 in July. When I turned 25 I had an emotional breakdown about all the things I hadn’t achieved yet, which resulted in me standing in the sea in wellies alone drinking rose wine from the bottle. Trying to avoid that again this year, thus ‘30 ways to celebrate being 30’ was born. Yes I know, another list, another task to complete, will I ever learn?

“The age of thirty is just the beginning of a period of some stability, and as such one feels young and full of energy. But, at the same time, a period of life has passed, which makes one melancholy, thinking that some things will never come back.” Vincent Van Gogh.

30 ways to celebrate being 30 has been such a positive way to start 2018, and has led me to some new and fun experiences (blog post coming soon). It’s actually done something more profound than just ‘fun’ though; It’s led me back to my passion of 9 years – yoga. Number eight on the list was to attend a yoga workshop, which I did in March with Katy Appleton from Appleyoga. Wow, it sparked something deep down inside of me. Stepping on to my mat for the first time in months I felt nervous and shy, wondering ‘Will I be able to do this?’ I soon got back into the flow and breathing, and then the old magical gold sparkle surrounded me and I was home.

And then something incredible happened, the universe presented me with an opportunity, an opportunity to realise a dream that I’ve had for years – yoga teacher training. It was made for me – the timing, the location, the teacher – it was perfect. But for days I couldn’t bring myself to apply.

What if I fail?
What if I quit?W
What if my anxiety stops me going to class? 
What if my mind flutters on to the next big idea?
What if this is just another of my crazy ideas that soon fades?

When something means so much to you, when something could truly change your life, it becomes so precious. Dare you take it, and risk breaking it? I’ve wanted to do yoga teacher training for so long, but there’s always been a little voice telling me I’m not good enough or I’m not authentic enough. I can’t possibly sign up to the thing I dream of, I’m a quitter. I can’t put myself through quitting my dream. This negativity surrounded me for a week, and for someone who usually makes a decision in seconds always following their gut instinct, this was a painfully long time!

The only way I was going to follow my ambition was to question my view of myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could finish the course, that I could complete yoga teacher training.  Out came my journal and I did what I do best, I wrote a list. On one page, all the things I’ve ever quit. On the other page, all the things I did not quit. I genuinely believed that the list of things I had quit was going to be so long. To my utter surprise there were only 5 things on the list, two of them being diets and exercise regimes; We’ve all quit one of these at some point, right?  My list of things I did not quit? Over 20!

“Being positive doesn’t mean ignoring the negative. Being positive means overcoming the negative.” Marcandangel.com.

A feeling of pure joy, a warm feeling that started in my heart centre and travelled round my whole body, made the decision for me right there and then. I sent my registration form without a second thought and in September 2018 I will start my 200-hour Yoga Alliance yoga teacher training course. I have realised my dream, and I am 100% certain and determined that I will not quit. Retraining the brain to override those negative self-doubting thoughts takes practice, but seeing black and white evidence that those thoughts were wrong was an instant winner.

I am a self-starter. I achieve things. I start something and then finish it. I live authentically and follow my dreams.

What fears have you overcome to achieve something great? Would love to hear in the comments below!

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